Was Sex My God?

I gave my life to Christ when I was a teenager. Even now I can remember coming up out to the baptistery, soaking wet, and feeling clean and forgiven.  I had a new life.  I was on the road to heaven.

Yet, even as a kid I had always been tempted sexually.  I understand that we are sexual being.  But I knew that I had done things I shouldn’t have done. Part of my problem was that I would always try to keep my sins a secret so that nobody would know.

In high school I can remember looking in magazines to lust after the women who were either not wearing much or nothing at all.  I ended up going to seminary and became a missionary.  But that did not keep me from lusting after women in my mind and in my heart.  I got married to a fantastic woman who has given me emotional and physical love.  That also did not cure me of my desire to seek out the thrill I had discovered in pornography.

Mine was a double life.  I taught God’s word to others.  Anyone looking at me and my life saw a person who was dedicated to his family and to his church.  Yet, late at night or when no one was looking, something inside of me continued to pull me to search for provocative material.

Just this week I was talking with someone about masturbation.  He believes it is something that he needs and that most men need.  He told me how we have biological needs and if our wives are not there to meet those needs then masturbation is a “handy” solution.

As I reflected on what he said I remembered how important sex was for me for much of my life.  I thought about it far too much.  At times it dominated my soul.  I convinced myself that God had made me that way.  I believed my need for sex was greater than that of the average person.  Therefore for me to satisfy myself with porn and masturbation was totally justifiable.

What I never would have admitted because I certainly did not believe it was true, was that to a large degree, sex had become my god.  Yes, I read my Bible.  I prayed to the One True God. I did my best to teach my children the difference between right and wrong.  But when push came to shove, deep down within the depths of my heart, my sexual desires often had the last word.

As I think back on some of the things I did, and risks I took, I can’t believe it.  And I thank God that somehow He kept me from doing other things that would actually be crimes.  But with sex running my life, I could very easily have crossed that line.

In his book, Renovation of the Heart, Dallas Willard observed, “Feelings make excellent servants, but terrible masters.”  I now have to admit that by placing my sexual desires on the throne of my life I had made them my god.  And for far too many years I suffered the consequences of having these terrible masters running the show.

I thank God for waking me up.  I thank the Lord for helping me seek help. I am eternally grateful that He has forgiven me of this great stupidity on my part and for the great evil that I allowed to take root in my life.

I still enjoy sex. When my wife and I are together in bed I love not only coming to a climax, but also feeling her next to me.  What a blessing it is to know that she has seen my darkest secrets and still loves me.  The unity we feel in these moments is a gift from above.

The difference is that now I don’t worry about how many days it’s been since I experienced sexual release.  My thoughts are focused on other things.  Now I am at peace.  God supplies my needs.  He is my Good Shepherd and I don’t lack anything.  Having Him as my Master makes for a life worth living.

Thank you, Lord, for setting this captive free.  Thank you, for taking your rightful place on the throne in my heart. I’m still not everything I need to be, nor all you want me to be, but my life is very different now.  You have shown me the peace that passes understanding.

O God, You are my God and I will ever praise YOU!

 

You can learn more in the book: JESUS IS BETTER THAN PORN: How I Confessed my Addiction to My Wife and Found a New Life, available here:  Jesus Is Better